


Penance [You Think You Deserve This]

by BlackJade (orphan_account)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Mostly Canon Compliant, No editing we post our 3am insomnia drabbles like the idiots we are, Team as Family, Yasha has feelings and the rest of the Nein comfort her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21692800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/BlackJade
Summary: "Yasha had done horrible things under Oban’s command. Things she was not proud of, things she could never be forgiven for. Things she needed to be held accountable for."===Yasha has a tough time coming to terms with what she did while Oban had her under his wing, and thinks she deserves punishment. The rest of the Nein react.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 54





	Penance [You Think You Deserve This]

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to preface this by saying it is ridiculously late, but I had this idea flying around my head, and wanted to get it down on paper super fast. This is unedited, so I'll probably fix it in the future, but here it is if you want it.

Yasha had done horrible things under Oban’s command. Things she was not proud of, things she could never be forgiven for. Things she needed to be held accountable for.

Yasha said nothing of it after dealing with the twisted remains of what once was Oban. Yasha said nothing of it on the Nein’s hurried escape out of Rexxentrum. Yasha said nothing of it for the three days travel from the smoking ruins of the city, the destruction that she was partially responsible and wholly remorseful of creating.

Only on the first quiet day, the morning after a long day of travel, did she breech the subject. Fjord and Caduceus were packing up the supplies from breakfast. Jester and Beau were working out, or, perhaps a more accurate phrasing was that Beau was working out, and Jester was ogling or distracting or both. Nott and Caleb were having one of their Hushed Talks, the ones that left Caleb looking lost and exhausted more often than not, and left Nott looking conflicted and worried.

And then there was Yasha. Perhaps unknowingly to the rest of them, she no longer fit in with their morning routines. What once was familiar and habit was now jarringly foreign. It made her feel like an observer to what was going on around her, like Oban still had her mind, she was moving outside herself.

Oban was dead. She was in control. She had still done what she had done.

Yasha cleared her throat, and everyone shifted their gaze to her. She hated that she could command their attention so easily. Clearly they were still scared of her, that’s why they looked after her so closely. Fjord might have been right, maybe she was evil this whole time.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts. She had to focus. “I am sorry,” she started, voice rusty from misuse. How much had she spoken since Oban’s spell was lifted? How much had she spoken before hand? She closed her eyes, head bowed. Focus.

“Yasha,” Jester started, softly, pitifully.

“No, I,” Yasha paused to catch her thoughts. They moved around to fast for her to catch, some days, “I need you all to hear me out, please. I have done a lot of bad things lately. And I know you’re going to say it wasn’t my fault, but… I hurt you all. I hurt you very badly, and I betrayed your trust. I betrayed-“ her voice waivered, like a violin string pulled too taught, close to breaking. Still looking down, she willed her voice to stop trembling, she willed her _body_ to stop trembling. She slowly sank to one knee, bowing her head further, “I accept whatever you deem to be fair penance.”

Above her, she heard an aborted noise from Fjord, and a soft whine from Jester, like they had both just been struck. Without seeing, she heard the rustle of Beau’s vestments as she shifted uncomfortably. She heard Caduceus, soft and calm, say, “Oh dear,” before setting down the packed bag he was holding. She could not hear Caleb.

There was a tense moment, where everyone seemed frozen, and Yasha wished they would say something, _do_ something. She kneeled there, trembling and teary-eyed, waiting for judgement.

Beau was the first to break the silence, low toned and raspy, like she was trying to sound like she didn’t care. “Fuck, Yasha, that’s a fucking stupid thing to say. What the fuck?”

Yasha looked up, slowly, willing herself to not get too hopeful. She didn’t deserve hope.

Beau looked furious, red faced and pursed lipped. She bounced from foot to foot, like she wanted to pace but the habit had been trained out of her. She opened and closed her mouth several times, gesturing with wide eyes to the rest of the party and to Yasha, before settling down.

Beau wiped her hands down her face, “Fuck, okay, we’re not going to- fucking- _punish_ you like you’re some dog! What the fuck! Is that,” She paused again, “Is that really what you fucking think of us? That we’ll see the fresh hell you just went through and blame all that shit on you? Like ‘hey, good to have you back, you did a lot of shit while your mind was not your own, so time to pay up’? Like this is some, fucking, holier-than-though jerkoff circle where we punish you for not being _good enough_? Who the fuck would-?” Beau let out a noise of frustration, “What the fuck, Yash?”

Everything felt heavy. Yasha wanted to cry and scream and rage about all she had done and all that was unfair. But everything was painful and tender, too bruised for bared teeth, so softly she spoke “I almost killed you. I would have. And in the moment, I felt nothing, because I could not afford to.”

Jester inched towards her, slowly, like she was some wild thing that would run if approached to quickly. Perhaps she was right. Yasha had done a lot of running in her life. It only ever ended in tears.

Softly, carefully, more careful than she expected of the Tiefling, Jester wrapped her arms around Yasha’s neck, bringing Yasha’s face to rest along her shoulder. “I know it’s not okay right now,” she started, voice shaking ever so slightly, “But it’s going to be. You can take whatever time right now to not be okay, but you need to let us be here for you.” Jester sniffed, and Yasha couldn’t tell if she was saying all of it for Yasha’s sake or her own.

Yasha’s gaze fell on Caleb, who had been standing to the side, staring at nothing. Yasha’s gaze must have snapped him out of it, though, as he started towards her. He placed his hand, delicately, uncertain, on her shoulder, “You think you deserve this pain,” he mumbled in Celestial, clumsy and accented, like honey gone to crystal or burnt out velvet, “But you do not. It is hard to see that sometimes, but…” He trailed slightly, either losing his thoughts, losing the words, or losing his will. He started the sentence anew, “I will not lie to you and say it gets better, but it does get less consuming. There are peaceful days you can almost forget,”

He goes glassy eyed and far away, again, and with a gentle squeeze of her shoulder and an almost-smile on his lips, he turned towards the cart, Nott following after. Nott does not say anything, but the look she gives Yasha says enough. It is the look a mother will give a child who skinned their knee: sympathetic and pitying, but without worry. She knows it will heal, even if Yasha does not.

Heaped in Jester’s arms, Beau close behind and the rest of the Nein there to catch her when she falls, Yasha is left thinking that she deserves much worse, her penance far from paid. But knowing her family would never let it befall her, it brings her comfort.

And maybe that’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for sticking through! Let me know what you thought! I take criticism as long as it's constructive. As I mentioned, I'm probably going to edit this in the future, so let me know if anything jarring stands out. Thank's again <3


End file.
